Skincare a la Pussy?
In a world of Salmon Sperm injections and teenagers using 14-Step Korean skincare routines only to look 45 years old at 21… You will find me butt-naked in my backyard under the rays of the morning sun, looking like I have just committed some atrocity, when in fact, it’s just my most favourite time of the month. My period!! Time to slip slop slap baby. It’s Period Blood Facial time!
Now, let’s just backkk it up. Period blood? ON YOUR FACE?! EWWW GROSS WTF THIS B*TCH IS DISGOOSTANG AND CLEARLY CRAZY. And to that, I say, ofc, I am bona fide insane… But check the ‘glass skin’ glow up mama! I’d rather be labelled unhinged and be lookin’ straight up glowing gorgina cunt fresh from the womb, than burning my skin with chemicals so that my poor lil overworked and already shortening-by-the-day telomeres have to push out fresh skin cells in order to repair the damage the artificial moisture layer I’ve just applied on my skin is causing as it burns, and burns, and burns.
Okay that whole paragraph was a lil dramatic… It’s time to chill, I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath. We’re going to attempt to do one of my least favourite activities… Think -_-. For a couple of seconds I would like you to open up your mind and peruse your mental catalogues and experiences which may have led you to believe that your period is gross. Just spend some time in mental examination, you could potentially reflect on your first period, how you felt about it, whatever your care-giver told you about having a period, maybe no one spoke to you about it directly and it was one of those awkward things that whoever was responsible for your menstrual care hoped to communicate through strained directed stares at the sanitary section in Woolies.. or maybe it’s from the ads and what you absorbed from popular culture, for you to arrive at the incredibly unnatural conclusion that periods are;
Gross
Inconvenient
Unfair
A ‘Women’s curse’ (from being too sexyand powerful duh, we need to have some kinda flaw…)
Painful
A symptom that needs managing
Massive economic drivers for the global sale of chocolate.
What if all you have ever thought about your own period, and your whole body in fact, was a giant CUNTSPIRACY to keep you from your innate wisdom, power, self-healing, regeneration, rebirth, renewal and the most yassified cunty fresh glowing gorgina face card to ever be served? You might be on the down-low already and all of this is old news, or you might be on the precipice of becoming your own VIP at the Divine Pussy Beautician that you get to visit once a month (or however often you bleed) for free!!! Prices are down, down, down! In your literal pants in fact! They’ve dropped to the floor!
If no one had ever told you your blood was gross… What would you believe about it? The perception of Pussy is an implanted false narrative, designed carefully and insidiously. We have been taught to fear, hide, deodorise, suppress and dispose of one of the most biologically intelligent substances our bodies create. This extends wayyy past our Blood. Any totally natural biological process in the female body is met with increasing levels of intervention. From our first bleed, into the mystical female orgasm, our actual anatomy (Uh jet fuel can’t melt steel beams and of course there’s no nerves in the Cervix dumby…), to childbirth and menopause, they get us hooked on the belief that what’s happening in our bodies is wildly out of our control and downright dangerous! It reminds me of that iconic scene in Peter Pan with the Mermaids who have been traumatising Wendy, sweetly assuring “We were only trying to drown her!” *insert those cutesy emoji fingers pointing towards each other denoting pure innocence*.
You. Already. Know. I know you know. You know this deep inside. Within the womb is your Inner Oracle. Find her. Seek her out. Lay your questions, worries, concerns, hopes, wishes and prayers at her altar. With time and intention open your inner ear, open your inner vision. There is a reality already existing where the you within you has all the answers. I know it sounds Woo-Woo. Currently, it is. But together, WE ARE PULLING BACK THE PROVERBIAL FLAPS, REMEMBER? We are being reborn into the truth that god has never left us or gone anywhere. She has been here in her holy creative benevolence the whole time, birthing life on this planet. The Great Pussy in the Sky is what drops the water from the Heavens, she’s cumming on you babe. And She’s counting on you to see her creation. To remember.
We were told it’s the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit and that’s cool, it’s a bit meh, unlikely, but I still dig the story. I think it could have been written a bit more accurately though as the Great Womb of Creation, The Pussy and the Holy Blood but hey that’s just me. Again, the Blood of Christ pops off it’s awesome, but the Blood of Pussy is equally holy and worthy of the deepest reverence. I know, I’ve really gotta stop pissing off Christians at this point but the analogies are just too good- The Shroud or the Anointed Period Undies… Okay I’ll stop (((The Mother Mary is a Giant Statue of a Pussy))). Okay, Okay I promise, I’m done. For now.
If you’re still with me I’m just playin’ around, I don’t mean to be heretical, it just happens. I swear I’m a real sweetie. I have the deepest love and respect for all religions because I genuinely believe in Everything, you’d be silly not to. It gets hairy and I'‘m talkin’ full 70’s bush when you believe in only one thing being the thing… But I digress.
Your period blood is not dirty, or to be disposed of with disdain. It contains not only stem cells, endometrial tissue, minerals, peptides & the literal biological intelligence capable of creating human life, but so much more. There is true magic and mystery in our womb & Pussy. If you Yoni Gaze regularly you’ll know what I’m talking about. She’s a magical, psychedelic, portal- I am forced to leave it at that because that’s all I know.
I’m saying BORING, YAWNINGGG to the psychological and spiritual violence that has been convincing us that everything natural about women is disgusting so that the medical and pharmaceutical industries can make billions selling synthetic replacements for our own biology. That story is outdated and irrelevant.
Viva La Pussy Revolution.
Ending on a practical note, here are some ways to collect your blood for your facial. I am not a doctor but I would say red fresh blood is good.
First thing upon waking, before you stand up, cup your hand around the bottom of your vulva so that when you stand up and get that gravitation red flood you catch it in your hand, you can apply directly.
If you use a moon cup I’m sure that would also be an easy option.
If you free bleed you can apply directly from your vulva with your hand.
Those are the only methods I can think of but if you have your own ingenious vajazzled methods please comment them below!
From my flaps to yours, endless Love x
This Blog Post is written by a Human.
